Be My Wife, Not My Mother!

This is a topic that I find myself discussing a great deal with clients, especially females. It is important to keep the roles as adult partners with one another in a relationship, rather than falling into a parent/child scenario with your spouse.

Many years ago I learned that there are 3 people who could be present in any romantic relationship, and that understanding these roles was the best way to create change so that people could start to have more meaningful and loving relationships with one another. Here are the 3 roles and their functions:

PARENT: the person who assumes the role of taking care of the other spouse, helping them, doing things for them, and treating their spouse like a child. The parent enjoys the control but often becomes resentful of having to do everything and wishes for a more proactive partner. They may see their spouse as incapable, inept, or unmotivated. And yet, they wish they were more able to let go of things themselves. The parent often feels resentful, or of elevated importance, and most often "plays the martyr".

CHILD: the person who takes on the role of being incapable of doing things, expecting the spouse to look out for them, and refusing to take responsibility for their own actions or behaviors. They want their needs met with little concern for meeting the needs of their spouse. They may see the spouse as controlling, over bearing, or smarter and better able to take care of the family. The child often feels attacked, or entitled, and most often "plays the victim".

ADULT: the person in the relationship who sees all parties as valuable and works with the partner to make the family function well. They are strong and confident about what they know, yet are not afraid to admit when they need help or don't know something. They like to work with their partner to meet each others needs, as well as the needs of the kids or family. They communicate effectively, without blame or shame, and they listen well to their partners. They admit faults or indiscretions, and work to make amends. They prioritize the family, and are accountable for their actions.

An adult partner is not typically successful in a relationship with someone playing the role of child or parent because it goes against the adults values to "enable the victim mentality of the child partner" or to succumb to the "martyrdom of a parent partner."

Knowing is half the battle. No man wants to be married to his mother and spend his life with someone telling him what to do, what to eat, and how to think. At the same time, no woman wants to be married to her child and spend her life wishing he would help around the house, make a decision, or take responsibility for his actions. It's exhausting living in a relationship that is out of alignment like that. If you are having challenges in your relationship, discuss these roles with your partner and see how you both might take steps to becoming "adult partners" and Live Inspired Now!

PS: I am happy to assist! Contact me today to turn your relationship around! heather@liveinspirednow.com

Slavery still exists in America, more than you know....

I read this quote today: "To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him." by Shunryu Suzukiand, and it got me thinking about freedom, and how we allow ourselves to become enslaved by mediocrity but we are tricked into thinking we are free.

If you give people just enough to think they are free, you will control them! Don't fall into the trap! Don't be a slave to mediocrity. Having 100 television channels and eating out at Applebees is not the "good life!" Buying expensive gadgets that you can't afford is not the good life. Letting someone else pay you a meager stipend so you don't have to work is not the good life. Distracting yourself with tabloid drama and gossip is not the good life.

The good life begins when you can feel good about yourself and your choices, and you take responsibility for both! The good life is when you don't let the media trick you into buying things that you don't need. It's when you eat real, quality food, not mass produced garbage from a brightly colored, cookie cutter franchise. It's when you get a job or start a business that you love, and you get paid for doing what you are passionate about. It's when you are so involved in your own exciting life that you don't have time to care about what fake Hollywood celebrities are naming their babies. It's when your book collection is bigger than your television. It's when you have a passion-filled, loving, relationship with someone you love and adore.

The government, the media, politicians, companies, and the like want to keep you fat, dumb, and mediocre. They profit if you buy their goods, vote for them, or stay imprisoned in the welfare system. Break free for real! Educate yourself, stop watching television, go outside, take a trip, discover someplace new, eat healthy foods, get a new job, start a business, write a book, volunteer, avoid the news, laugh, go on an adventure, be playful, try something new, improve your relationship, spend time with your family, and don't settle for mediocrity! Take control of your own life!

Get out from under the thumb of the internet, the television, politicians, or anything else that trys to convince you what to buy, who to vote for, or what you should look like. Did you know that women in particular spend $426 billion dollars per year just on beauty products? We could eradicate hunger and poverty if women would stop letting the media convince them to look younger, thinner, and more beautiful. Don't buy the lie. You already possess everything you need to live an inspired, fun filled, loving, and happy life!

Today, invest in YOU! Invest your time in a good book or a long walk, or some quality time with the people you love. Stop being a slave to everyone else that wants to control you, your money, or your emotions, and Live Inspired and Free Now!

Other people doen't have to make you feel good........

It is not the responsibility of other people to make you feel important. Let other people off the hook and feel good about yourself!

The world is not out to get you, but it is also not out to raise you up. That is solely your responsibility. Too many people are lacking in self esteem and look for external validation to make them feel good, and this is simply not realistic or healthy. In life, we must be our own best advocates, and learn to empower ourselves. It is nice to have support and encouragement, but depending upon the praise of others to keep moving forward, or to feel good about ourselves will always leave us feeling inadequate.

Learn to really love yourself. You can do this be learning and growing through personal development or even by hiring a coach who can help you change your belief system about who you are. Take control of your thoughts too. So much of our own struggle is because of dis-empowering thoughts that are focused on past hurts, or failures. Stay focused on the present moment and don't let the past interfere with your future.

Start to trust yourself because you are still here! We have all had challenges and up to now, you have gotten through them all. Allow that experience to prove to yourself that you can, and have, handled things! Maybe not the way you have wanted to, but that is OK too because it means you have learned.

You are equipt with all you need to create the life you love. Decide to be happy and find the positive in each situation. Disappointment is part of life, but it doesn't mean that life isn't good. Just as there are disappointments, there are also magic moments, excitement, and love to be shared. Focus on what you are grateful for and put disappointments behind you as fast as possible.

Take responsibility for your own self image, and self esteem, set a higher standard for your life, and Live Inspired Now!

PS: Need help with confidence, self esteem, or raising kids with these qualities? Please contact me now and start living a fuller, bolder, more inspired life! Also, check out my book: Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness available right here on my site! Thank you!

Challenge, learn, grow....

Challenges create growth, and opportunity, they allow us to discover things about ourselves, and make us stronger. If you always accept the status quo, you never get the chance to learn more, take risks, try new things, and grow as an individual.

Push yourself a little, or even a lot, challenge yourself to go beyond what you know you can do, and Live Inspired Now!

Happy Valentine's EVERYday!

Roses are red, violets are blue, remember the love you gave today, and do it tomorrow too!

If you treat your partner like every day is Valentine's Day, you won't ever have to worry about drifting apart. That doesn't mean you have to give flowers and candy each day; rather, give gifts of your heart. Share your thoughts, feelings, time, love, and show that you care each and every day!

Have a beautiful Valentines Day... today and every day, and Live Inspired Now!

PS: Do you LOVE my posts? Then you will LOVE my book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness! Buy an autographed copy right here on my site! Thank you!

Have you noticed......

Have you taken any time today to notice something beautiful? A view out your window, or perhaps a gaze in the mirror? Beauty is everywhere.... but sometimes, we are so busy that we fail to see it. Take a moment to notice how when the sun hits the snow, it sparkles like glitter. Or how your eyes seem to pop when you look in the rear view mirror of the car. Or take note of the fabric on your favorite chair, the colors, contrast, and texture. Beauty is everywhere...... be willing to see it and Live Inspired Now!

Regret or Rejoice... it's your choice!

You can look back and regret, or you can rejoice. I choose to rejoice, for all the choices, good and bad because they landed me exactly where I am now! I am so grateful for my past failures because they taught me what I needed to learn. I am grateful to use my past as a guide for making better decisions now and in the future!

You never have to live with regret if you choose to look at your past with gratitude. Today's happiness does NOT depend on yesterday's successes. Live and learn, choose to be happy each day, and Live Inspired Now!

This ONE tool can transform your family!

Guess what I realized yesterday? Most people have no clue what they want or what goal they are working towards. I find that this is especially true for families. Most families do not have a family "mission statement," which can lead to conflict when the time comes to make big family decisions.

Here is an example of my personal family mission statement:

"The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of ORDER, TRUTH, LOVE, HAPPINESS, and RELAXATION, and to provide opportunities, and support for EACH CHILD to become responsible, independent, caring, generous, compassionate adults. To LOVE one another and to HELP and BELIEVE in each other and to use our resources wisely to BLESS others. The needs of the collective family are always first above the individual, but individual needs are important and will be addressed."

Thad and I created this mission for our family years ago when we first got married. We wanted the kids to understand what we, as a newly formed family, were all about. It wasn't just "Thad and Heather are getting married and let's just see how it all goes." Instead, it was about joining our families, and raising responsible and happy kids that will confidently go into the world and thrive. The kids will determine their own goals and purposes, but we will ensure that they have the best possible tools for success. We do this by teaching them self esteem, confidence, independence, responsibility, and self advocacy.

We are far from perfect, but it helps everyone in the family to understand what we are all working towards. The kids know that it is our goal to help them become independent, and our greatest wish for them is happiness. Today, try creating a mission statement for your family. Create a statement that really speaks to the specific needs and goals of your family, get everyone involved, display your mission statement prominently, and Live Inspired Now!

Are you using the internet as a crutch?

The internet is quite possibly the coolest thing to ever happen. Unfortunately, it often can be misused; the internet becomes a "crutch!" I have noticed a trend with people who are spending most of their time online... they think it's the "real world!" Recently I heard someone mention that they had spent the "entire day job hunting," when in actuality they had spent the entire day web surfing..... it's not the same!

The web really is an amazing place full of awesome stuff but it will never fully take the place of building rapport with people in real life. Yesterday, I spent the day out networking with local businesses. I did initially send emails and set up appointments, but after the initial contact, I got off the couch, got dressed, left the house, and met the real people.

Because I went out instead of working online, I got a full tour of my local public theater, recruited new members for my toastmasters group, booked myself another speaking engagement at my local book store, got a potential new client, and even made a new friend! All of this occurred because I chose to go and speak to people in person as opposed to going back and forth through email.

Don't allow technology to rob you of interactions. Almost every job I ever had before I was self employed was because I had the confidence to go out and make connections with people. Those connections turned into opportunities that were built on the relationships I created with people in my community. Emails get lost, overlooked, and ignored. So instead of having a virtual conversation, pick up the phone, make appointments to meet people, walk around your local community, get to know store owners or community leaders, and put yourself out there! Especially if you are looking for a job, or if you are self employed and looking for new clients.

Your business will only be as successful as you are willing to put yourself out there. Nothing takes the place of the relationships you create. If you have children, teach them these qualities too! I see too many kids today that do not know how to make a phone call, how to introduce themselves, and how to self advocate. These skills are far more important than academics! They could be the smartest person in the room but if they can't clearly convey who they are, or what they can do, they will be lost.

So today, consider getting out from behind the screen and make some real connections. Don't let the internet be your crutch! In today's world with people so addicted to the computer, the person who goes out of their way to connect in person stands out as someone with real initiative! Let that person be you and Live Inspired Now!

PS: Need help with confidence, self esteem, or raising kids with these qualities? Please contact me now and start living a fuller, bolder, more inspired life! Check out my book too!